Every night I come home to find Bosco standing at the top of the 2nd floor stairwell. Every so often, he stands in front of me with his head low, and his ears all tucked in and rounded, looking like teddy bear ears.
I’ve learned that these ears have a specific message:
Mistakes were made.
Let’s be clear – we’re not talking run of the mill accidents. Sometimes he can’t hold it, especially if I’ve been lolly gagging around the grocery debating what kind of apples to buy. Every living creature poops, and I’ve long since accepted that with dogs, you can’t always control when and where that happens.
I’m talking about the momentous and cataclysmic, confusing and logic-defying moment that leaves me standing slack-jawed and furious, and yet is so hilarious that I laugh until I can’t breathe.
On Bosco’s third day home, I awoke to the sound of him pushing something around with his nose, and flipping it up in the air. I can’t see squat without my glasses, and I thought he was playing with the skinny cow toy I’d bought for him. I was glad he was playing, and congratulated myself on my intuitive toy buying skills. Then I heard crinkling. And I thought “crinkling is bad.” So I tracked down the sound, and found Bosco going to town on a sheath of papers. He was chowing down his adoption and medical records.
Bosco seemed to start bonding with me in October. I’d been home for a week’s vacation, then back at work for a week, and then Hurricane Sandy wiped out the electricity at the office, so I was home for another week. I was back at work the following Monday, much to Bosco’s dismay. The next morning I could not find the shoes I wanted to wear. My first thought was “oh crap, did I accidentally give them to the thrift store?” I will admit I have a history of mixing up the keep and give piles and having to go buy my own clothes back. But then I realized….I’d worn them the day before.
If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know what I did next. I looked under Bosco’s butt. Yep, shoes. And a big boy who pretended he had no idea how they got there.
I like vanilla yogurt, and I buy the big tubs of it. Bosco’s indicated that he would like it too, if he ever got to taste it. I’ve also been known to treat myself to a Sunday bacon and egg breakfast, and that’s how some eggshells and bacon grease wound up in a empty-ish yogurt tub in the kitchen wastebasket.
The next night I learned what it meant when a big dog rolls up his ears in a teddy bear shape. When I came in the door, my first thought was “what’s with the tiny bits of plastic on the floor?” Then I slipped, and I thought “what did I track in from outside?” Then I walked through the dining room, and things crunched under my feet, and I thought “wow, I need to vacuum.”
I’m a little thick sometimes.
Reality smacked me in the face when I walked in the kitchen. Every square inch of the room was covered in bits of trash bag, eggshells, bacon grease and yogurt. I cannot begin to describe the horror, or the time it took to clean up. I didn’t find the yogurt tub for four days.
I’m going to tell you right now that the absolute best product in the whole world is the Simple Human kitchen wastebasket with the pet-proof lid. This product prevents the above story from repeating. But it doesn’t stop Bosco from trying. He once managed to pull a nearly empty bag out of it, so that he could play with the yogurt lid liner.
I recently decided to eliminate butter from my repertoire for health reasons – but not the ones you’d expect. About a month ago, I realized I was going through it very quickly, and I didn’t understand why. It wasn’t like I was slathering everything I ate in it, yet somehow I was going through a stick every two days or so.
It finally clicked when I came home and discovered some minor mischief – hand towels pulled down, the wastebasket had been repositioned, etc. While surveying the “damage,” I remembered that I’d set out a fresh stick of butter that morning. And now it was gone. If I hadn’t eaten it, there was only one other answer.
But he’s not talking. He’s just standing there with teddy bear ears.